good night

it took more than half the day to to get it started after we went to mass.

everyone was tired. i had bags and bags of laundry to fold, sort and put away. a muggy warmth was settling into our un-air-conditioned house. everyone's allergies were kicking in.

(just to add drama to the proceedings, a jar of hot "butter coffee" popped off its glass bottom and doused the cat with hot liquid.)

but after lunch and some deep naps, we started to get the laundry squared away and i began bearing down on a fourth in-person interview in hopes that the ones previous to it have led to lessons that will help me to finally snag this one.

it's a second interview, my first in a big city. that's a good thing, as they must have seen and heard something they liked to pull me out from a whole bunch of other applicants from their resumes and phone interviews.

let's prepare ourselves as best we can, rise to the challenge and differentiate ourselves even more.

amen, amen and amen. let's roll this.

word up

some words to the worried:

• I bless the LORD who counsels me; even at night my heart exhorts me. 
• Then the two recounted what had taken place on the way and how he was made known to them in the breaking of the bread.

nick

a thanks but no thanks in the mail. i don't like the doubt it lets seep in. 

my girl

backstage

my girl, the baby, had her first dance recital yesterday. and she looked adorable.

on saturday, she put on her full costume and had her hair properly pulled up to ensure everything worked ok. 

she emerged from her closed door after the requisite amount of build-up. 

i was folding laundry in the living room and not particularly anticipating much more than a sneak preview of a costume. 

what i got instead rocked my world. 

it was a cute outfit to be sure, and her hair was very prim and proper. but it was the look on her face as she walked out that floored me. 

she was radiant and shy and unsure and proud all at the same time. she had walked past the hallway mirror, so she knew she looked nice. 

in an instant, once our eyes met, her look went from doubt-filled and seeking daddy's approval to a dawn break of happily and proudly registering it. she looked so pleased; she was becoming. 

because i'm a sentimental slob, i knew in my heart, the good Lord willing, that the next time we were going to exchange that look is going to be on her wedding day. 

my baby girl is on her way to growing up. 

ego

humility and gratitude were apparently in short supply yesterday. 

metaphor

went out for ice cream. everyone's order was fine, but mine was wrong. i guess i'm expected to still be happy because i at least got ice cream. 

it's kinda like my professional life right now: not what i wanted, but it's something. and something's better than nothing, right?

seeing it in black and white makes me seem like a terrific, spoiled ingrate. like, who the hell gets everything they want out of life?

just let me be peevish for now and i'll get over it. 

also

has weird dream where pj volunteered to fo a karate presentation with the calilung boys. there was also a modified f-14 tomcat that was done up like a 1970s coup de ville on a flatbed truck. 

later, i walk up a hill, dodge stray fireworks and face down a bully before settling up the stroller. 

dream

woke up from a dream where i was setting up our kids' stroller to leave someplace. kris was upset because i was being obstinant about bringing a garden rake. but when i was done and everything fit together fine, belle from beauty and the beast or anna from frozen and a friend of theirs was happy that accommodations were being made for them to come along. 

then i woke up and realized we didn't have babies anymore. 

chores

buff

i think my earliest job was shining shoes. if memory serves me right, my dad would pay me a quarter a shoe.

after dad showed us how, my brother and i got pretty good at it. we used dad's discarded white cotton briefs to apply a thin layer of polish, usually black or brown or the mysteriously named "oxblood," then a bristle brush to buff the leather to a smart shine and finally another pair of briefs to really make them pop.

it was a simple enough task that took maybe 15 minutes, but it was very satisfying to be able to see how a bit of effort yielded tangible results. taking a pair of dull, scuffed oxfords or slip-ons and transforming them into like-new condition, or even better, provided an early sense of pride in a job well-done.

after high school, college life and the rumpled dress code of professional journalists rarely if ever required that i do more than take a soft cloth across my shoes to tidy them up and maybe lend a little luster to the uppers. my clodhoppers didn't need to shine.

the boy some weeks ago muddied his shoes on some rainy dressy occasion and, on this day before easter, daddy finally got around to cleaning them off. we still had a collection of shoe care product in the house, so i figured i'd gussy up his well-worn toe box oxfords.

aside from using toilet paper for the application and mcdonald's napkins to buff, it was a familiar exercise. given how roughly he treats his footwear and the flimsiness of discount store shoes, there was wear and tear in the material that wasn't going to be restored with a coat of polish.

but overall, they looked pretty good: clean and polished. i even ran the muddy shoelaces through the washer. i'm pretty sure he'll get a kick out of how nice they'll look for about five minutes.

good start, bad finish

began good friday after midnight in a church courtyard. it felt sacred and reverent. 

made it through two simple meals plus a few handfuls of peanuts. i was making it — fulfilling the reflective purpose of the lenten season on the day of its solemn culmination. 

it fell apart after a raw vegetable dinner, an unraveling 7-year-old boy at a late evening soccer practice and a couple of fistfuls of potato chips. 

a full basin of wash water was chucked into the bathtub as an exclamation point, splashing a terrific pool of fed-upness onto the tiled floor. 

tired, hungry me just shut down, throwing up my hands at another moment of joyless parenting.

not one of my better good fridays. 

spring break

pizzeria sculpture

had an in-person interview in virginia today. it felt really good.

being that it's spring break right now, the fam came along to look around. 

seemed like the whole town was on its best behavior, trying to woo us. 

i can only hope my potential employer was as similarly pleased to meet me.  

36 hours

captain america: civil war

silver streak

sausage party

richard pryor in concert

sit rep

fallen off the contemplative meditation for a few weeks. i believe the Lord wouldn't let me go back to sleep because he desired some company. so ...

we sat. in the parlance of brother basil pennington, however, there were a lot of boats in the stream. it didn't make the sitting difficult, but i was aware of them. 

i will say, 20 years down the line, it's gotten a little easier to return my gaze to the stream. i'm a bit less focused on the having the perfect sit and a bit more so on just sitting. 

little by little. thank you, Lord. 

day

children's party

april fool's day list:

laundry

clean cat's ass

scream at children 

take a coffee nap

laundry

take children to birthday party

take children to walmart; buy beer and coffee

laundry

bed

breakfast pizza with avocado

*ate pizza. breakfast and dinner. skipped lunch. so that's four straight pizza meals since lunch yesterday.