as jarring as the year has been, personally, aside from losing my job, it's not been all that bad. i have a lot of friends who have lost more than a job: a mother, a brother, a sister, a father.
no, i haven't had that bad a year at all.
my resolutions, the only thing i seem to write in my journal these days, do, however, reflect more down-to-earth goals:
grow my faith, eg, via meditation, works of charity
clean the house
attend to my wife and family
that's it. i'm baseline now. why not raise the foundation?
while i've managed these past couple of posts to bemoan not "catching" the holiday spirit, i will say, going to the grocery store the week before christmas, or even christmas eve eve, as i did today, does lend a festive air to the season.
we all know it's the last minute, we all know we're there's a price to be paid for procrastination and carelessness and we all know we're there for the same finite resources — we might as well be pleasant and good-humored about it.
(easier at 8 a.m. than, say, at 3 p.m., i'd be willing to wager. by that point, if you're not accepting and philosophical, you're just grim.)
my only gripe today? there was no eggnog to be found.
this. this is the thing. as much as people say they hate television commercials, i love a well-made one.
and i love them at christmas. it's that rare nexus where the sacred, the schmaltzy and the capitalist intersect, it's agreed that it's a special time.
sure, it's playing upon emotional appeals and the heartstrings of sentiment, but so what? like so many tree-shaped reese's cups and snowflake york peppermint patties, they make me feel good.
that fleeting sense of holiday spirit, however superficial it might be, sparks that child-like sense of surprise and delight that i feel has slipped through my grasp as i skid through middle age.
obviously, this isn't meant to be some sort of substitute for the glad tidings inherent with the savior's birth, but it does lend a little heartwarming, holiday jingle to the hard heart of commerce.
a former colleague called to pass along an inquiry from someone who didn't know he'd left our office.
in the process, he asked how i was enjoying the season and i told him that it was going too fast for me to enjoy. as ever, i said, it's not until christmas is over that i wish i'd savored it more.
here we are, two days before christmas, and i'm anxious. anxious about cleaning, anxious about my job prospects, anxious about my wife who started violently throwing up yesterday with whatever the kids had, anxious that i'm letting the enjoyment of another christmastide slip away.
the children are excited. visions of sugar plums are dancing in their heads. i just want to hold them and hold on to their joyful anticipation and their childhood.
i need to let go of the worry and just be in the moment. i need my faith restored.
after a year of waiting, the kids finally got to watch the charleston ballet and west virginia symphony orchestra's performance of "the nutcracker."
mama got the girl doo'd up in a lovely asian-inspired dress handed down from one of her cousins.
i finally broke out the sport coat for the boy that his aunt either handed down from her son or never actually got around for him to wear. regardless, it looked smart with his gold cords and one of daddy's scarves. he was very taken with himself.
as to the actual show, the kids were absolute gems. they were attentive through the whole two-plus hours — including intermission — and were impressed with the artistry and athleticism of the dancers.
kris and i were able to point out people we knew who were on stage. we even managed to grump about the cacophony of snack bags being crinkled throughout the second act and one audience member who never looked up from her smartphone after intermission.
while the girl began flagging a bit through the final numbers, neither she nor the boy were fidgety or distracted, unlike some people. (grumble, grumble.)
the end was punctuated by an extended ovation that included outgoing maestro grant cooper taking his final bows as conductor for the holiday favorite. i can't say enough about how much i appreciated his approach to orchestral music here in the kanawha valley — he made it accessible, instructive and fun. he'll be much missed.
while i'm not sure if this will be an annual event for us, i hope that it kindled in our children a love of the performing arts.
my last tie to newspapers was cut last week after my final severance check posted to our bank account. now waiting for that full-time job to come through.
another job opportunity. there's an apparent leg up i enjoy, but it just feels like more pressure. i mean, if i can't get it with this advantage, i'm doing something wrong. very, very wrong.
anyhow, it's keeping me up at night and giving me headaches.
and even if i get it, it's only a two-year gig.
i gotta let go of the worry. help my lack of trust.
i can't even write. i'm deep in a funk after my best advocate was reassigned to a new location and, of course, my "favored" mountaineers have their win streak broken in a road game. (nothing like making the home team the underdog to fire them up.)
i'm tired of getting jerked around and tired of worrying. i'm tired of lies and the stupid people and the willfully ignorant who choose to believe them.
yes, yes, the cbs sports pre-season piece was a click-baity, s--t-stirrer, but despite myself, it still got under my skin — enough so that i couldn't stop this thought from entering my mind after this weekend:
well, after a brief, exhilarating fling, i got the candy-coated version: "not a good fit."
as with all whirlwind romances, we invested too much and, despite ourselves, dreamed too far down the road and wound up getting hurt.
bummer is my social media is full of friends/colleagues who work there, talking about things i hoped i'd be a part of and aspire to. even some passwords that had to be changed reflected those hopes.
it's like a real-life, romantic break-up what with all the reminders that serve to make me wistful and sad.
luckily (?) this is only about work and there's a lot more riding on it than just my pride and romance. there's no time to mope.
i've got love, a loving family and a great partner. we're ready to move on.
my faith has felt dry and my prayer life rote this past week. this walk through the valley has pretty much wrung me and kris out. we've switched to stasis mode.
our children, though, just by being themselves, in all the maddening, marvelous innocence of their childhood, have provided splashes of gratitude and wonder that serve to remind me of the love with which i am blessed and surrounded.
the girl, 4, likes to play with daddy's camera. so when i took it out to take this shot of milan puskar as the sun went down on west virginia's "stripe the stadium" promotion, she asked if she could have it.
this was shot on k-state's last possession, where wvu had denied them the third-down conversion deep in our territory.
they were going to have to kick a field goal to beat us in a one-point game.
the girl just pointed the camera at the guy who was emoting. (daddy cropped it here to tighten things up. otherwise, he just reminded her to hold the camera low so as to avoid getting her fingers in the frame.)
nice shooting, tex.
then the wildcat field goal went wide left. pandemonium ensued.
they missed!
here.
they missed!
here.
hot damn, they missed!
here.
whoa, nellie!
and here. (daddy had the photographer in his arms for the whole sequence.)
game over!
she got it all.
it was nice making it to the end of a ballgame with one of my children present. this one got indoctrinated into the singing of "country roads" after a wvu win.
and considering it took five years of conference play to finally beat these guys, i'd call it a pretty big win. granted, while it wasn't actually pretty, i'll still say it's picture perfect.
now that i think of it, i'm not all that fond of the gold top in more than three of its nine combos — all gold, blue helmet/blue pants and white helmet/white pants.
notice how the helmets match the pants. the proof could be in the actual wearing, though. i know i like the all gold; not sure i've seen the other two. would like to see it just to be sure.
of course, if we should beat the wildcats for the first time since 1931 (and the first time in big 12 play), i'll insist we wear it every year we play them at home.
my boy got his first snub this weekend when he didn't get invited to a classmate's birthday party.
he doesn't know this yet, as it happened saturday. he might hear about it monday at school; i hope he doesn't. and if he does, i hope and pray he takes it ok.
it was bound to happen some time. and as much as i'd like to, i know i'll never be able to protect him from life's little social stings. i hope it doesn't hurt too badly.
it's a part of growing up, like crushes and heartbreaks. but this will be his first ding and, if he feels it, then my little boy won't be as much a little boy anymore.
came home to this, which couldn't be bothered to stop lolling on the back of the couch.
grown-up work.
then we got a headstart on halloween with some pumpkin carving. i suspect these guys will be looking kind of rough come the 31st of october.
(mommy didn't want her picture taken. or at least not on the facebooks.)
the kids seemed to have fun, even though they seemed to have different feelings about sticking their hands into the guts of their respective gourds.
exhibit a:
eww. guts.
exhibit b, on the other hand ...
eww. guts.
definitely at that gross-out age.
meantime, visited neighbor, whose tree crashed into her shed this week. i'd call it miraculous it didn't hit either her house or the house next door.
rotted.
as much as i love these things, wow, that's some scary stuff.
thick.
tons of living thing right there.
daredevil and cat.
returned from visit to this display. not bad, mommy.
all in all, a nice intro to fall. can't recall if i've ever been more glad to get out of summer than i have this year. very much looking forward to entering a boring season of dormancy. please, Lord, and thank you.
pepperoni, green pepper, black olive, by pizza al's.
dinner was two-thirds of a pepperoni, green pepper and black olive pizza from pizza al's, a yuengling light, a bowl of potato chips, and three scoops of lactose-free chocolate ice cream with maple quinoa chia seed granola sprinkled on top. sounds like the last meal of a death row inmate instead of a dude interviewing for a writing job. hope i packed enough antacid. God be with us.
long week. got to spend it writing — just writing — one, count 'em, one story. there were no managerial fires to put out. no design conundrums to untangle. no computer system snafus to solve. just one thing. it was weird.
(ok, i lie. i had to write a letter of appreciation for our on-site nurse, who was shipping out. that was about an hour.)
otherwise, it was a bunch of interviews, chasing down sources and hammering out a narrative. it felt all right.
finally got the in-person job interview lined up, which was a huge source of relief to me and kris, so we're hoping and praying this is the last hurdle in this event of our faith olympics. (i promise i'll be much less cryptic about the past couple of months on the employment front.)
so how did i reward myself? a post-dinner nap, a double feature movie night — iron man and the hunt for red october — annnd ... finishing off not only a container of chocolate ice cream slathered with peanut butter, but the remains of a bag of kettle chips and half a red stripe beer.
i slept pretty well. i'll call it an oddly rewarding end to a pretty good week. i think that deserves an amen. amen! thank you, Lord.
not being in a newsroom anymore leaves me more reactive to events, current and otherwise. i'm not having to keep my ear to the ground for a good story.
so while i knew sept. 11 was coming up, i was long past counting back the years or dwelling on where i was the day the terrorists struck.
fifteen is one of those multipliers of five that folks look for past a first anniversary for commemorations and reflections of memorable dates; it was no different at the paper.
still, while i was surprised at how much time had passed and looked back at how the world had changed, i pretty much sidestepped any special coverage related to the attacks.
these days, my 9/11 thoughts almost always bypass new york city and go to flight 93, the one that crashed in pennsylvania.
i get misty-eyed and choked up thinking about the doomed courage of the passengers who took it upon themselves to end the threat they knew was being delivered.
these thoughts came to mind at mass today, where the recessional hymn was "america the beautiful."
through two verses, "for spacious skies" and "for pilgrim feet," i sang, resolute and earnest. when "for heroes proved" in verse three came along, i had to stop because i began quietly sobbing.
all i could think of were the final words from the flight — "let's roll" — before the presumed attack on the attackers and i was moved, as i always am, at their selflessness and bravery.
this is my last, lingering feeling from the events of that morning, a narrative i wouldn't learn about until long after the towers fell.
without diminishing my regard for the first responders in new york or the workers in d.c., i remain in awe of this group because they knew what was happening and that there was probably only one way this was going to end.
(i happened upon this song via social media tonight. i don't think i was aware that it even existed. i'd planned to write about my experience today anyway; the post may have convinced me to make sure i did.)
the power went out yesterday evening, on the latest day of what must be most miserable heat wave i've ever experienced. seemed like reason enough to go out for dinner in a nice, air-conditioned restaurant.
utensils. by accident.
given how well the kids ate and behaved, a splurge at the outback was pretty well worth it. everyone got ice cream for dessert, which was nice. (thank you, Lord, for the means allowing us to enjoy such a pleasant evening out.)
we followed with some window shopping at the kid country toy store to settle our bellies a bit before heading home. thank heavens (and aep) the power was restored ahead of the estimated time.
a pleasant evening out went a long way to taking our minds off waiting for a magic call for an interview.
still grateful, though, for the temp job and the neat folks i get to work with. in my dream scenario, i'll get to write a few pieces before the magic interview that gets me the job we're hoping for.
i thought the test i was being subjected to was simply the leap into the unknown. apparently, it's a two-parter, wherein the second section determines how far you will allow your faith to carry you.
about a month and a half in, i've got no illusions of setting any records; i'm just hoping for the test to end and that i'll pass.
got oxford and khakis ironed. going with a conservative tie. packed most of documents into computer bag; emptied most of previous contents. will probably pack lunch, leaving open possibility of going out.
i'm the new kid at school, really, for the first time in more than 10 years. not really sure what to expect, except that it's a short-lived gig and i need to make the most of the opportunity to learn a new skill and impress at least one or two of my supervisors.
meantime, working like mad to purge the house, if not for flight, then to make living here the place we've always wanted for the kids.
approaching the jump site, t-minus 8 hours, 57 minutes. God be with us.
so the job that disappeared yesterday reappeared today. i told my sibs it was like God was playing the vanishing quarter trick — "and here it is, behind your ear."
the woman who made the offer was the same one who called with the bad news yesterday. i was apparently gleeful enough that that she responded, "God does it," to which i responded, relieved and laughing, "yeahhh ... he's got a funny sense of humor." not sure she appreciated that.
anyway, it's a only temporary public relations gig, but it should: a) pay well 2) help extend the job search past the loss of severance money and d) hopefully provide a couple of good contacts/references for the next job.
so, yeah, the Lord will provide. but, seriously, i'll probably never catch when he's pulling my leg. ridiculous. but thanks to you. amen and amen and amen.
today was ... disappointing. on top of an unbearably warm house and manic children, i get a call that, after a pretty good interview, gobs of paperwork and a request to bring a cancelled paycheck for direct deposit, my best job prospect gets filled. the wind leaves the sails. strike two.
oddly, after a phone interview later that seemed to go really well for a job that might not meet our salary requirements, i felt even more resolute to find a job here. i want to fight my way through this process now. pow. bif. wham.
yesterday, i may have become the first member of my family to file for unemployment benefits since probably the great depression.
had to sit in on a claims education session, which was informative and helped me think of a few other questions regarding the whole process.
(bonus was learning that there are opportunities for assistance for career training, which is a nice way to add new gizmos to the swiss army knife.)
hopefully, this will be helpful in getting some extra cash flow going to cover some of the loss of benefits.
holy crap, it's been hot.
kris has been nervously watching the bank account and the calendar and digging for additional leads for me.
sent my resume and materials for two jobs yesterday and today; have no idea if either will offer a salary to justify a move.
otherwise, spirits remain high, although the stifling heat we're experiencing in our great "living without air conditioning" experiment this summer has been brutal. it was, like, freakin' 90 degrees in the house before 8 a.m. today. there's a reason i like winter so much.
here's the thing about the job search: it's up and down.
and my wife confirms what we were warned about: it's not hard to find a job; it's hard to replace one. (like, the kind that allows us to cover our financial obligations kinds of jobs.)
i was still mourning the dream job yesterday, but one benefit of an active search and a blessed handful of leads is that i can't go very long feeling sorry for myself before i have to communicate with someone about a job. and as long as there's that, there's hope of finding that replacement.
as in sports or, really, life in general, don't get too high and don't get too low. stay even. treat success and failure as the imposters they are, if i'm not mangling kipling too much.
just as an update, closing in on a month earnestly looking for work, i've got one that's steadily advancing; it's not ideal, but it buys us time, new job skills close to my field and new potential contacts/references.
and there are a couple of nibbles that still hold promise. twenty days in, there's been no homer in that first at-bat, but i'm still at the plate with an 0-1 count, so i'm just waiting for that next pitch.
watched "the matrix" for the first time in about 10 years and i'll say it has managed to age well. the theological undertones remain for me, but i appreciated the line that went "there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."
the petition in the Lord's prayer of not being put to the test makes for a worthwhile request in the abstract, but until you're out on the line, outside your comfort zone with your future resting in the hands of others, you don't realize it's a real effort to have faith that, yeah, you will be given your daily bread.
well, i'm learning it now. i'm not sure i'm making an "a," but i surely hope i'll at least pass. amen and amen and amen.
well, the dream job didn't materialize: editor's gig at my alma mater for a nice raise, great benefits and a good pension. i thought i was a great candidate, but never got to the interview phase.
while i'd say it's been one bad thing after another these past 30 days — job loss, wrecked car, cracked tooth, biblical plague, deflated dream job — it's not yet been a month and other prospects await.
now the expectations need to be adjusted. now comes the real test of faith.
as a dude who's served in middle management for the better part of six years, i know that collecting candidates to fill open positions is a time-consuming process.
depending on the time of year, you can have a plethora of really sharp applicants or a just a few folks that you hope can grow into a job.
in the first case, you're spending time finding that person who's willing to take a sterling skill set to a smallish newspaper in west virginia; in the second, you're hoping if you wait long enough, a candidate you really want will finally send in a resume.
this takes time. from the employer's standpoint, you want the right fit so you're not having to do it again anytime soon.
entering week three of the job search, i find a bit of reassurance in that knowledge. i've got an online application in, an interview under my belt and ... waiting.
from the applicant's point of view, however ... this is taking a greater toll on my wife than it is on me:
"have you checked your email?"
"has anyone called?"
"what just happened?"
it's monday. i'll probably be feeling a little less sanguine if i'm in the same holding pattern come friday.
that said, however, another day not hearing means another day that my candidacies remain viable. that's the view i'm having to take. tomorrow will take care of itself.
that said, it was nice to head out of town for a joyful weekend to witness a family friend get married and give the kids some time to play with their cousins and catch a ballgame.
baseball ticket winner via kanawha county libraries.
so the boy is gaining insight into wishes and loss.
waiting for his mom in the car at the grocery store, he noticed an older fellow pushing his shopping cart into the corral next to us.
he was struck by the man's thick head of silver, wavy hair.
lunch.
then he says: "i bet i know someone who wishes he had hair like that. someone without a lot of hair, that's turning gray. someone with glasses, sitting in this car."
i turned to look at him and the little joker is grinning like the proverbial cat that ate the canary.
what a stinker.
he's 6. how the hell is he supposed to know that daddy's hair loss might not be something desirable?
hell, how is he supposed to know that daddy's hair didn't always look like this and that, yeah, maybe he's rueful for the state it's in?
actually had an interview today. felt really strong.
however, the h.r. person, with whom i felt i'd hit it off, said that she never received the writing samples i'd emailed her.
pulling out my phone, i opened my email app, found the sent mail and forwarded it to her again. (i marveled to her at how i could do all that in about a minute from my crazy phone and we both laughed.)
passing by her station as she walked me to the exit, she checked her email. bubkes. i told her i'd send it from my home account.
once here, though, i tried breaking up the attachments into two sets, thinking the files were too large. i called to confirm; nada.
sending from home account was again fruitless and then she began sounding annoyed. she sent a link to a dropbox; never received it.
she was about pissed when she suggested i make hard copies and run them back by the office. about an hour passed as i had to reformat from pdf, print and drive over. she didn't seem much happier once i turned them in.
while i hope this doesn't jeopardize my chances, i'm very curious as to why neither of us could receive the other's communications.
two weeks since my official last day at the paper, btw. one interview after 14 days. i'll take it. fingers remain crossed and spirits high.
apparently, i forgot to include this guy, brutus the jeep, when i offered examples of things we're counting on to look for work.
this crash happened less than a mile from the house, just like i've always heard happens. (hell, it was probably more like a quarter-mile.)
and the boy, sitting in the back seat, got to experience his first auto mishap. i forgot all about him for the better part of 10 minutes after i got out to inspect the damage; he was freaked out and anxious. my bad.
(good Lord, i hope he's one of those blessed drivers who'll never have to file an insurance claim.)
thank goodness, no one was hurt. the other driver needed a tow; i was close enough that the officer allowed me to drive the jeep and its sad, hanging bumper all the way home until it gets taken to a body shop.
timing. timing is everything. sheesh.
as a friend pointed out, this is turning into a crappy month. as i told her, as long as everyone i love comes out alive, i'll take it. that, and it's almost over. thank you, Lord.
went after a temporary job to stretch out my severance with a trip to the state's unemployment agency, workforce west virginia.
once i got my bearings, i wound up at the end of an apparently long line. it was a good thing the building was well-air conditioned, otherwise the grim quiet of the queue would have been compounded with misery.
as much as i wanted to document my view, the thought of holding up a camera phone to capture that moment felt like an insult to the dignity of the people standing ahead of me.
they didn't ask to be included on my journey; nor did i ask their permission to take them along. they are in their own personal worlds of uncertainty and worry. they do not need me with my little blog intruding on that.
(what for now seems like a field trip for a guy with lots of advantages could in four months become an exercise in desperation for someone who's run out of places to turn.)
so, yes, i could cheerfully learn that i was standing in the wrong line and gladly confirm information to the nice lady at the job search desk and walk away happy that i have prospects. i just hope this doesn't become a study in contrasts for further down the road.
you know what my biggest fear is right now as i search — and adjust my criteria — for a new job?
it's injury. and not just to my person.
i'm talking about the loss of what i'm counting on to get us all through this: a computer. a phone. a partner.
we got a scare this morning after the coffee maker hit kris with a shot of steam to her face. (after a splash of cold water, she was fine; just spooked.) but, wow, the thought of doing this without her is incomprehensible.
i've read and watched stories where the strength the protagonist took for granted is suddenly compromised in the heat of battle. a nick. a jammed weapon. a careless moment.
bluster and swagger and confidence evaporate. doubt fills the void. and then? as the calamities accumulate, the hobbled warrior stumbles and is overcome.
pull out one crucial piece and this whole endeavor collapses. the margins are slimmer. we can't afford a bad misstep.
while we walk in faith, we have to remember to hold His hand. we must be brave; we must also be prudent.
in my run-up to serving as lector for today's 7:30 mass, i began practicing today's readings a few days ago.
on the first go-round, recognizing the genesis story of abraham's persistence in asking the Lord to save sodom, my first thought was. man this is a long read.
and so it went through late last night. long read. work to make it listenable.
come mass time, though, reading before the congregation, the full import of the story became clear: it wasn't about saving sodom; it was an illustration of not just daring to ask things of the Lord, but being ok with badgering him.
"ask and you shall receive," the gospel preaches. it's ok to ask for things, today's readings seem to say. and don't feel bad for doing so.
sent out actual paper resume and cover letter. got surprise lead on possible communications gig. let kids visit office manager one last time. lots of pictures. waiting on nibbles continues.
now comes the part where, once the initial outrage and disbelief and surge of written messages of support dies down, it's just me in the dark toggling between emails, social media messages and job postings hoping something pans out.
there's a line in the water and a couple others waiting to get cast. waiting for that first nibble. the hardest part, as tom petty once sang.
aside from the work i'm having to put in to present myself as best i can to potential employers, i'm putting the rest, through my faith — as sad, small and tenous as it is — in the good Lord's hands. i'm scared to death, but i haven't stopped hoping.
st. margaret mary alacoque has a lovely prayer i incorporate into my morning ablutions that does a good job of reconciling that dichotomy:
"Heart of love, I put all my trust in you; for I fear all things from my own weakness, but I hope for all things from Your goodness."
