a terrible two-r de force

so last monday, the missus -- possibly days away from an early delivery -- sends me a series of texts at work documenting what a bad boy the boy had been in the few hours i'd been away.

it was fairly epic. i'm re-posting them here in slightly edited form for posterity. (profanity included.)

4:21 p.m.

So he stomped on my foot twice, slapped me in the face and as i was cribbing him for that he kicked me with both feet in my belly. Why, you ask? Because i was reading to him from the toy story book and apparently he did not want me to.

4:42 p.m.

Wow. This day is going in the books. Just tore down the baby gate and fell backward on his head while throwing a tantrum after i took him off the buffet for hitting the cat.

my response: "holy cow."

4:57 p.m.

Oh, i'm not done yet. Keep phone close- i'm having a lot of pressure ... Probably just bc i've been lifting on him a lot, but keep your ears open in case i need you.

6:01 p.m.

Really? For his maybe finale, he just pissed under the dining table. Don't ask.

but i did ...

6:26 p.m.

I was trying to avoid having to lift him onto the changing table, so i let him get out of bath and i was trying to diaper and dress him in the bathroom. But he ran away, naked. And that's how he used his freedom.

impressed, i facetiously wondered what he'd do for an encore. and then ...

6:53 p.m.

That would be slap me and hurl my glasses across the bedroom as i was hauling him away from tv to bed. Epic day. If my water doesn't break tonight i will be shocked. Though i have no idea why [the baby] would want to deal with any of this.

7:08 p.m.

He managed to break my fucking glasses again. I'm going to bed ...